[Full-disclosure] Notice to all employees
jleffler at us.ibm.com
Sun Mar 1 10:34:26 GMT 2009
Someone commented that it has been circulating for a month - I saw a draft
version of it, then, about 12 years ago!
Date: Wed, 20 Aug 1997 09:10:19 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: AF Job security
DEPARTMENT OF THE AIR FORCE
MEMORANDUM FOR ALL PERSONNEL
SUBJECT: Reduction in Forces.
1. Once again, as a result of the reduced funding available in the FY97
FY98 budgets, we are forced to significantly down-size our forces.
2. Under the guidelines we have received from HQ AFMPC, those members over
forty years of age will be asked to accept early retirement, thus
permitting retention of younger, lower paid personnel who represent the
future Air Force anyway.
3. Therefore, a program to phase out the older personnel by the end of
FY97/98 via retirement will be placed into effect immediately. This
program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
4. Personnel who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to cross-train.
Personnel being RAPED can request a review of their records prior to
termination. This phase of the program will be called SCREW (Survey of
Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
5. All personnel being RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal to higher
headquarters, this phase will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher
Follow-ups Termination). Under the guidelines to the new policy, a
member may only be RAPED once or SCREWED twice, but he or she may be
SHAFTED as many times as the Air Force deems appropriate.
6. Provided an employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be
entitled to receive HERPES (Half-Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early
Severance), or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment), unless he
she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependent or Spouse). As
HERPES or CLAP are considered benefit plans, any member who has
HERPES or CLAP will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the Air Force.
7. The Air Force wishes to reassure the younger personnel remaining with
the organization that they will continue to receive the best training
possible through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT) program.
The Air Force takes great pride in the amount of SHIT that our
receive. We have given our personnel more SHIT than any other branch
the Department of Defense. If anyone feels that he or she has not
received his or hers fair share of SHIT, please feel free to bring it
your supervisor's attention. He or she has been instructed to ensure
that all personnel receive all the SHIT that they can handle.
8. Those personnel who have been RAPED, SCREWED, and SHAFTED, and
previously accepted either HERPES or CLAP but now have AIDS aren't
eligible for SHIT!
Jonathan Leffler (jleffler at us.ibm.com)
STSM, Informix Database Engineering, IBM Information Management
4400 N First St, San Jose, CA 95134-1257
Tel: +1 408-956-2436 Tieline: 475-2436
"I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!"
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